“I have the power of God and Anime on my side!”

“Don’t f@ck with me! I have the power of God and Anime on my side!”

”Yaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!”

Sometimes I have an idea for a deck that just comes to me out of nowhere (ie Jump Around! and Spirit of Gwengeance ). A lightning bolt through my brain. A waking dream that floods my mind as I’m going through my day to day life. A gift from the heavens and the funny side of the internet (they are the same thing). Ideas borne to my upon wings of whimsy and illuminated by the light of the lulz. A deck based solely on a gag that buries itself so deep in my thinkmeat there are only two ways to free it, and posting in here involves a lot less body horror than the other option.

So here we are dear readers. I’ve built a deck that does two things really well, deal damage by putting the board state in an incredibly precarious place and letting me post one of my favorite memes of all time. The question is now, what are you gonna do about it?

Dumb question, dear reader, you’re stuck here. We’re both stuck here. Trapped in the pixels of black and white that are actually small clusters of LEDs displaying variances of red, green, and blue to trick your brain into thinking you’re seeing something you’re not. You’re going to keep reading so both of us can be free of this. Dear reader, you were always going to click this link, just as it was inevitable that I would write this and be trapped here on the toilet click clacking away on my phone avoiding the responsibilities of work. This was not a choice you or I made, millions upon millions of tiny events led us here and now we must see it to its conclusion. I’m sorry for my part in it, for as much weight as that can carry since it’s not truly my fault since this wasn’t a choice of mine either.

In the beginning there was Kurt

Really? Pretentious much? I must really think I’m that profound by referencing the Bible to begin my write up on how to play this deck? Oof, dear reader, I’m gonna have to pull my head from my ass when I’m done. First order of business is to get set up, otherwise this isn’t gonna go anywhere. Deft Focus, Prehensile Tail, The X-Jet, and Helicarrier are all here to help you pay for some of your bigger ticket items. As soon as you get Plot Convenience, get it into the field because it’s gonna make sure you can pop off or have the tools you need later in the game. Wait, I should probably handle mulligan priorities before I start talking about playing cards. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Mulligan Priorities (sorry I forgot to do this earlier, XOXOXO)

1. Resource Generators and Cost Reducers (Prehensile Tail, The X-Jet, Deft Focus, and Helicarrier)
2. Useful Tools, not allies, those come later (Side Holster, Healing Factor, Plot Convenience, Kurt's Cutlasses, Laser Swords)
3. Useful Tools (Storm, Hope Summers)

I wouldn’t normally put allies on my mulligan priorities but this deck is bad at thwarting and I didn’t put Lightsabers here to mess around removing threat. Nah dear reader, we’re just doing damage. Except when we would lose if we didn’t be boring and remove threat. Winning is more important than losing so we have to occasionally deal with that. So we have a couple of shmucks to do that for us most of the time.

First order of business is to get set up, otherwise this isn’t gonna go anywhere. Deft Focus, Prehensile Tail, The X-Jet, and Helicarrier are all here to help you pay for some of your bigger ticket items. As soon as you get Plot Convenience, get it into the field because it’s gonna make sure you can pop off or have the tools you need later in the game.

Other than that, start the extensive work of setting up for the final turn of the game. I trust you, even though each time this page is opened I’m yanked back into the 1’s and 0’s of this purgatory. Deep breath. It’s not your fault dear reader, I only resent you a tiny bit (but I still love you, smooches).

”My name is Kurt Wagner, you (presumably) killed my father. Prepare to die”

Once you’ve gotten everything set up, it’s time to play Live Dangerously, get all those nasty, scary icons, and swing away like you’re in an over rated M. Night Shyamalan movie. Jeez, couldn’t even be bothered to reference that masterpiece of movie theater make out trash of 2002 in the heading for this section? Is there a single iconic line in its whole 106 minute runtime? Please let me know down in the comments, I need your validation no matter how false it is. Did I skip the mid game description? No, there’s only Pre-LD and Post-LD in this gameplan. Anything else you can figure out dear reader. You only need five cards to end the game once you’ve decided to Live Dangerously. All five of these should be on your table before you play that side scheme though. Laser Swords, Kurt's Cutlasses, Stick-To-Itiveness, Side Holster, and Symbiote Suit. Oh, I just thought about a midgame thing, hold this thought.

”I’ll be back”

Plot Convenience! I’d say you should be looking to bank a couple things under here that you might need later on or in emergencies. 'Pool Inspection, Symbiote Suit, Laser Swords, Kidpool, or maybe another big ally. Kidpool is only here if the villain can get tough so you don’t have to waste any other time or resources popping that when the kid can handle it. Tangent resolved!

”My name is Kurt Wagner, blah blah blah…”

Once you have those five, just start swinging. And keep swinging. Turn sideways and take that villain on a one way trip to hell. Because you have God on your side. You did get the chapel out didn’t you? So you could get the big guy in your corner. I forgot to mention it at all? Fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

…cccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Don’t forget to play Kurt's Chapel at some point to make sure you fulfill the mandate of this deck (and heaven).

it. I’m done

Like I said, five cards, table, turn sideways, ready up, rinse, repeat, dead villain, pack up your cards, get a foot massage, treat yourself to a nice dinner, tell someone you care about that you love them, go to bed, give this deck a heart and a star. Remember, you didn’t choose to do this, it was already etched into the bones of the earth when the first tablets carved with complaints about the price of booze and being sold sub-standard copper were lost in ancient Babylon. Deuces.

I love you. God loves you. Call me sometime, we all get lonely.

I’m free

Credit to i2obin on the Deadpool bath image